i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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