i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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