i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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