Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
