He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
