omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
