so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
