I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
