i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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