**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
