I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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