hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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