the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
