Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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