A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Pants are for mortals
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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