I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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