Soap is not a condiment
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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