You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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