you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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