I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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