I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
