Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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