I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
