can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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