im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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