apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
