dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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