the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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