I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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