I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
