Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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