we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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