Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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