i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
