My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Randomize
