Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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