is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
