my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
you had me at cake vodka
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
