the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Randomize
