I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
