If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
