I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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