I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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