I heard we made out
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
