Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
