She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
