arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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