my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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