I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
