I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
