all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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