can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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