I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
